Look what arrived!

The mailman knocked on my door this morning & delivered this little doozy to me one day early!  My 10-day Redken Intra Force system has arrived!

Redken Intra Force 10 Day Hair Advance System

This is definitely not what I was expecting it to look like, I thought it was going to be two bottles like all the google images that pop up, but I am happy to see it is 10 individual bottles.  I was wondering how I would know how much to put on each day & how to spread it over 10 days so this system seems much more effective.  The white round things on the side are little nozzles that attach to the top of each bottle that allow you to apply it on your scalp.

I am interested to see if like the other products, it doesn't make my hair oily and I am still actually able to 'style as normal' with no change to the appearance of my hair. 

I am thinking I am going to start it Sunday, since I am really only going to be seeing my family instead of going to work so if there is any negative appearance that comes along with it, I will be prepared versus dealing with it before work on Monday morning.

I am pretty pumped to see if this system is all it's cracked up to be

Straight Shootin' Blog Titles

The nice thing about tracking my pulls and breaks into my ziploc bag was it gave me something tangible to discuss on the blog everyday & it gave me a title for my blog posts.  I always struggle with the title for every blog post.  You want it to be catchy, or at least interesting enough that the reader wants to continue to read onto the post.

I read several blogs, all with different title tactics.  One of the blogs I read, she does a quote by someone about food as the post title - I think this is cheesy and like she is trying too hard to be 'deep'.  Another does a 'pun' regarding the post, which entertains me, since I consider myself to be a 'punny' person, but again, it feels sorta cheesy and like they are trying too hard.

Oddly enough my favourite blog, has my favourite titles.  She literally just has a title that is going to tell you what the post is about - nothing extra, just shooting it straight blog titles.  She's a regular girl outta Australia, who blogs about everyday things and is really successful at it.  http://www.fatmumslim.com.au/   Wishful thinking but maybe one day I won't have anymore crazies to talk about & I can have a successful blog, just talking about my everyday life.

I think I am going to try with straight up blog titles.  She's successful with it, and I would rather not waste my energy trying to think of a catchy blog title every morning.

Alliumphobia: My Onion Phobia

Whenever people find out about this phobia, they are baffled.  They question me on if I had some kind of traumatic event where I was attacked with onions or if they were force fed down my throat as child, but unfortunately for this one, there is no catalyst moment.

Every since I was a child, I have hated onions.  My mom did not cook with them because I hated them so much.  The "fear" aspect of it really began when I became an adult & began eating at other peoples homes & at restaurants on a more frequent basis. 

I had always managed to keep my phobia under wraps from my friends.  My family obviously knew & hubby knew from very early on in the relationship.  I was always very cautious of the meals I ordered, sticking mostly to chicken fingers and fries & limiting the times I would eat at people's houses to occasions where I knew it wouldn't be an onion infused meal.  I did not feel the need to expose the onion situation to anyone. 

Then it happened.  We were in grade 12, and a group of about 20 of us were out celebrating a birthday at a local restaurant and ordering off my "safe menu", I choose a standard choice of Fettuccine Alfredo.  As our meals came out, mine was placed in front of me & the scent of onion hit me like a ton of bricks.  I look down and on top of my beautifully tossed fettuccine alfredo, is what appears to be about half a white onion chopped and spread over the top.  My instincts kicked in and I had to basically launch the plate across the table.  That was the day that my onion phobia was out in the open & my friends have been nothing short of a-hole's regarding the onion phobia since then.

For me it is the smell & the texture of a raw onion that is the basis of the fear. The biggest culprit of onion madness is Subway. As one of my favourite restaurants, I visit Subway relatively frequently - there was even a time where I ate it everyday for a good 2 months (note: I get my lunch paid for).   Whatever genius at Subway decided to put the chopped onions, next to the lettuce container should be shot.  During a Subway visit is when my onion anxiety is at it's peak, since the likelihood of a rogue onion appearing in my sub is off the charts.   I have to thoroughly inspect every sub that I get to ensure no onion has made it's way into my sub, it is a meticulous routine that I could not bite into a sub without doing. If the person before me had onions on their sub, I make the sandwich artist change their gloves since I know the flavour of the onion would carry onto my sub.

Onion beside tomatoe. AMEN!

My worst experience with an onion was at the hands of a friend on a weekend away at a cottage.  After the restaurant experience, there was various attempts at forcing me into having an onion or touching an onion, that were completely unsuccessful, until the worst possible prank was executed.

We were enjoying a BBQ dinner and I had prepared my hamburger to my liking & turned around to put the ketchup back into the fridge.  I found out later in that moment, my "friend" Mike had slipped an entire slice of onion into my burger.  As I took the first bite, I could smell onion but assumed it was the person next to me, and as I went in for the second bite, I felt the slide of onion across my tongue.  To put it mildly, I freaked right out.  The next half hour included some tears, a lot of scrubbing with my toothbrush & even a shower.  To this day, that is the worst onion day of my life.  I can still feel that onion on my tongue, I can still taste the flavours.

I have hopes that maybe one day, I will be okay with going to someones house when they say "We are having lasagne" (the meal I avoid the most at other peoples houses!), or being able to bring onions into my house so my future children can maybe experience them.

Change of pace

This ziploc bag is not working for me. 

As with most tactics I take on to battle the trich, the idea and the execution were very successful for the first week or so, but my brain begins to conquer it somehow, and I am back to square one.  Yesterday, I did keep some hairs in a bag, but as the day progressed, I noticed myself throwing them away without putting them in the bag, like my mind had had enough.

Maybe I get discouraged when I don't see a noticable change fast enough, but whatever the reason, my ziploc attempts are fading.  If I had to guess, i'd say my breaks were the highest day yet, I felt like I was non-stop breaking.  Pulls would have been quite high as well.

I met with Barb in the afternoon & we determined that most of the typical behaviour therapies, such as aversion, are not successful options for me so we are going to try something a little different.

As I mentioned last week, I am starting to read the book "Brain Lock".  I am only about 60 pages in, but before we meet next I need to be done this book.  One technique I have never tried is attempting to beat my other OCD's in hopes that it will correlate to my trich.  In "Brain Lock", they have a 4 step process that has proven successful.  If I can learn these steps, apply them to all my other crazies, then maybe it will somehow positively effect & carry onto my trich.

It is worth giving it a shot, so that is the new plan.  One of these have to work!

Redken Intraforce Review

My hair dresser recommended this product to me about a year ago.  Apparently Redken had been working on this formula for years & have had a lot of success in clinical trials with people with thinning hair & even cancer patients.

Intra Force has "Redken’s most powerful combination of active ingredients: Zinc PCA, Arginine, and Vitamin E".  I have no idea what any of these ingredients actually mean to the world of hair, BUT they gaurantee results within 30 days or your money back. 

I began using just the Shampoo and Toner (a.k.a conditioner) and as I said in my post last week, I have noticed a serious change in some of the strands of hair.  I now have these thick, strong strands I have never had in the past & my only assumption can be due to this product.  In the last 2 weeks, I have purchased the treatment steps & the micro boost formula in an attempt to kick-start some new hair growth.  I have yet to see a noticable difference, likely because my pulling has been so bad, but it makes my scalp tingle so it has to be working right?

You apply the micro boost first, then the treatment & style normally.  The one thing I really like is I can apply both steps to my hair & when I style, it isn't noticable that I have these products in my hair.  When people recommend oils, or other hair products, it sometimes causes my hair to look disgusting, so I am pleasantly surprised with the lack of doing that.

Step 3 - Treatment

Intra Force Micro Boost

 After looking at their entire product line online, I saw the 10 day program to kick-start growth.  They recommend using it twice a year for 10 days, in fall & spring, when hair thins (I had no idea hair thinning was seasonal!) and it's apparently amazing.  So I ordered that from the only place I could find it in canada (www.spaboutique.ca).  I received confirmation that it has shipped and it is supposed to arrive by this Friday, so I will be tracking my progress over the course of the 10 days once I test out this system.

Redken Hair Advance 10-day System

The line at the start may seem sorta on the pricey side but I bought the salon size 1L bottles about a year ago, I think they were like $25/each and I am still using them so really, for a product that really changes your hair, that price is not astronomical.  If you buy 3 bottles per year of Pantene at Walmart, you are looking at about $18-$20 for the shampoo, so when I break it down that way, it is beyond fair the price that I paid.  The Treatment step is around $20 & the micro boost was I think $40.  I find these products go a long way, so even with a steep initial investment, you only have to buy these products one to two times per year.

I think for anyone looking for thicker, stronger hair, this product is fantastic.  You can search salon locations on the Redken web-site to find your closest retailer or you can order it from places like spaboutique. 

I am away this entire weekend, but as long as my shipment comes in on Friday like they said it would, I will be starting my 10 day hair advance system on Monday.  I will take daily photo's of the top of my head & see if it really makes a significant difference.

Hair Pull Fail

So this bag attempt is going horribly wrong.  I was doing so good with it, but I have fallen off the bandwagon for 4 days straight.  Granted I have been very busy & when I leave the house I have not been thinking about it, but you would think it would be a top of mind priority.

I am going to try to get back on it today, I see Barb the Therapist this afternoon & want to make sure I have the bag going so I can track my day better.

Yesterday was a pretty heavy pulling day.  It started off by breaks, but the hair texture was too strong & thick yesterday and I kept opting for pulls instead of breaks.  I have shorter pieces in the front that are pure break-age & I try to stay away from them because they are quite noticable but yesterday, since I hadn't played in a while, they felt so good and rough that I pulled out probably half a dozen within 2 minutes of starting.  I am really struggling with this, and as the days go by, my hair is continuing to get worse and worse. 

This weekend is my birthday and I was really hoping to be in a better place by the time this birthday came around.  I know how much my hair can change in just a month of low pulling, so I really thought when I started this blog a month ago or so, I had thought how nice my hair could be for my birthday.  Well that was clearly wishful thinking as my breaks on the top of my head are slightly out of control at the moment & the bottoms of my hair are totally broken.

Hopefully after my visit with Barb today i'll feel more motivated & something will click.

Everyday people are winning the battle with trich, why can't I?

Too many breaks & too many pulls

Do you ever have those days where you don't feel like blogging because you are grumpy or tired?  Ya that is me today.  I have a few blogs in the works that will be of detail this week, but for today, I am feeling pretty unmotivated when it comes to blogging.

I had a tough weekend.  I didn't keep my ziploc for the second weekend in a row.  Saturday my pulls in the morning were off the charts.  I had an exam to write and for the 2 hours I was in there, I was pulling/breaking.  I occupied my hands most of the afternoon & evening so it wasn't too bad of a day.  My Sunday pulls were out of control in the morning & in the evening, and I was feeling pretty low in terms of my trich.  I saw a picture on a friends phone and my hair looked like absolute shit.  Its so broken in the one spot, a straightner isn't even doing the trick anymore.

So far today, I have only broken 5 hairs & haven't had any pulls, likely thanks to the hoodie wearing.  I am tempted to just keep my hood on and remain in a sleepy ball until tomorrow, but reality sinks in and I have to go to work. 

One story I can share though from this weekend:  I was at a baby shower and the host was telling me a story about how her daughter straight up chopped off the entire one side of her hair, when she left the daughter alone with the husband.  Since I used to do this as a child, my instant reaction is 'this girl is going to have trich'.  I am sure it is normal for kids to cut their hair, but of course since I did it a few times, I assume it is related.

For all you other trich sufferers who read this, were you hair cutters when you were a kid??

Weekend Reveal: Alliumphobia

Alliumphobia - the abnormal fear of garlic that may extend to a variety of plants characterized by their pungent odor including onions, leeks, chives, and shallots. Allium is the onion.

SICK!!!!!!!!

My fear is not of garlic, and doesn't extend to leeks, chives or shallots - it is strictly onions.

Come back later this week for an in depth look at my fear of onions.

....and no, this is not a joke.

Hair Types

Now that I am tracking, it is clear to you people that I pull/break a lot of hairs in one day.  One of the interesting things about my disease is everyday my hair takes on a different feel or texture.  This is obviously mental, as my hair does not change from day-to-day, but I think it also effects the amount of pulling and breaking I do.

Some days my hair breaks really easy, it feels brittle and weak and the amount of breaks just keep on coming.  Other days my hair feels strong, and thick, then the next day it will be rough and textured.  Most people would never think this about their hair, but since I touch mine so much I am very in tune with my hair. 

I started using a product called "Redken Intraforce" about a year ago.  It is a line they have designed for people with thinning hair.  I plan on writing a much more detailed post on this line, but for now, it is just general background.  Since using that product, my hair has really taken on a new form and I find hairs that never were in my hair mix-up before.  I now have 3 hair types, versus my usual 2. 

Below is an image illustrating the 3 hair types.  On the left you will find my thin hairs.  These hairs are light in colour, and literally are so thin and weak they snap with no effort.  The middle hair is what I like to consider my typical hair.  It is a brown shade, it requires some effort to break and I think the thickness is normal of someone with regular hair.  Then there is the best hairs in the world on the right.  These hairs literally excite the sh*t out of me.  You can likely see the significant difference between the left and middle hair versus the one on the right, but all these hairs came from the same head. 

The hairs on the right should not normally be found in my head.  A dark, rich shade of brown that are so thick and strong, sometimes I can hardly break them.  They give such an amazing feeling of hope as I run them through my fingers, that this could one day be the hair type that is supposed to make up my entire head.  The irony of the whole thing is, since I can usually tell when I have found one with my fingers, I need to immediately see how thick it is, so I pull it out, thus reducing the amount of thick pieces in my hair.  ugh!

My mom has hair very similar to the hairs on the right - and yes I know this because I have had her pull out a hair so I can play with it and see the texture/thickness. 

My Mom's Full, Thick Head of Hair

Maybe these new hairs on the right are signs of good things to come & I can one day have hair as thick as my moms.

63 Pulls 59 Breaks

I pulled 63 hairs yesterday and had 59 breaks.  My pulls out numbering my breaks is a first and I cannot figure this one out.  Did my mind subconsciously know in yesterdays post that I commented on reducing my breaks and cause me to pull more?  Could that even be possible?  I don't even know what to make of yesterday.

May 24 Pulls

I guess I should be celebrating not having pulled 100's of hair yesterdays at the rate I was going but I'm just so confused by the shift in pulls versus breaks.  How can I so consistently break more hairs then pull and all of a sudden have it turn around?  I had a bad day in the car, but then I had to drive an hour or so to hubby's baseball game.  I was behind the wheel this time, versus the night before, and this time I would say I pulled 20 hairs in the course of that hour while I was driving and only a few while I was reading.  I think there is a correlation between having people in the car talking to me and the number of hairs I pull.  We drove 2 other baseball team members to the game so I couldn't do my ziploc hoarding so instead I decided to collect them on my thigh and once they were outside warming up I would put them in my ziploc.  By the time we got to the ball diamond, my thigh was COVERED in pulls and breaks.  Having people talking to me must bring my mind to a different place and my hands are left to work a number on my head.

When I am sitting around with people, chatting, I am aware and making a conscious effort not to pull.  When I am in the car, it is as if people can't see me and I just go about my business pulling.  I don't know how I am going to conquer my car battle. 

I started my day early today so I hope my pulls are manageable.  I have a ton of reading to do tonight for an exam I have tomorrow, so I am going to throw my hoodie on hopefully eliminating an entire evening of pulls to bring my numbers from the last few nights down substantially.

Anyone have any suggestions how I can beat this car battle???

64 Pulls 87 Breaks

Yesterday I had 64 Pulls & 87 breaks.  I am pretty dissappointed in these numbers since

I was on track to have a very stellar day, then a couple factors came into play that really took my numbers to the next level.

May 23rd Pulls

Yesterday was my first attempt at writing each pull or break before I put it into the bag.  It seriously saved me a ton of time this morning, which if only for that reason is worth it, but I really felt the benefit of doing this.  For the pull side, I wrote out the numbers and for the breaks, I began doing individual 'ticks', to see if I found any difference between the two psychologically and by the 12th or 13th tick on the break side, I knew I needed to see a number.  I am definitely going to continue with this method of tracking since it was also good because if I accidentally threw a hair about out of habit, it would register and I would be able to still account for it.

Pull Tracking Page
(Not an ad for Monte Carlo Inns...Only piece of paper I had)

As you can see above, I pulled 64 hairs. Throughout the day I did such a good job of tracking each one at a time, but then you will notice near the end the numbers start to jump several at a time. I was at 29 pulls at 5:30pm, a far cry from 80 I had likely pulled the day before at this time. I was feeling VERY good about the days progress & felt I would manage to stay under 40 pulls, but that changed in a hurry. The red pen indicated when I got into the car for the evenings events (not strategically, I only had a red pen). We had to drive about 40 minutes to pick up a washer & dryer, then from there another 30 minutes to hubby's baseball game, then I had an hour of sitting & reading in the car while they warmed up. In the span of less 3 hours, I pulled 34 hours which is more than I pulled in the 8 hours prior.

As I have always known, being in the car is a real problem for me, but the last major jump happened in the hour that I was left alone in the car to read.  Oh mylanta.  With all my mind power, I COULD NOT stop.   The second I began reading my hands would immediately find my head & the worse part was majority of the time while I was reading it was pulls & not breaks.  I am not sure of the correlation, but I am now determined to find some kind of solution for when I am reading.  At home, I can resort to my hoodie, but in this situation of reading in public, I am not sure what to do.

Break Tracking Page

My breaks still continue to be a struggle, but as you can see, the majority of breaks actually happened during the day and only 27 happened after starting my evening based on the red pen.  The problem with breaking is it still keeps me in the habit of playing with my hair which is really the root of the problem (no pun intended!).  I need to work just as much on reducing the breaks & if I do this, I know my pull numbers will be positively impacted.

I think I am on the right track here, and honestly, if I had an evening where I stayed in & was able to wear a hoodie, I know my pulls would have been under 40 & my breaks under 70, but that wasn't the case, so I have to continue to work on the car & reading situation.

One big thing I noticed yesterday, there was probably 7-10 times where I was on the verge of breaking a hair, I felt it about to go & my mind was aware and I was able to resist the urge to break it, even though I knew it was right there, ready to break.  This may seem little to some, but for me, having my mind recognize and resist that moment is something new.  My numbers would have been much closer to 100 if I had followed through with those breaks.

This evening we have another baseball game, this time an hour drive from home, and I will have that hour of sitting in the car reading again.  I am going to come up with something so my pulls or breaks during that hour do not spiral out of control, or even happen.

Brain Lock by Jeffery M. Schwartz

Yesterday during my visit with Barb the therapist she mentioned a book called "Brain Lock: Free yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviour" (I realize it is spelt "behavior" on the cover of the book, but being Canadian, I can't spell it that way)

Brain Lock - Jeffery M. Schwartz

She has another client who told her about it, and after getting about half way through, felt I could benefit from reading this.  So since my mind was told I should read this book, I obviously had to stop on my way home & pick up a copy - waiting to get home to download it to my iPad would have been too long.

I am still on the introduction but there was one paragraph that really struck home. 

"Washing, checking & other OCD rituals consume hours of time each day & make the lives of people with OCD miserable.  People with OCD may even fear they are going crazy - they know that their behaviour is not normal.  Indeed, the behaviour is apt to be foreign to their personalities or self-image. . . they are unable to stop themselves from responding to the brain's false alarms" 

-Jeffery M. Schwartz, Brain Lock



The main part of this that struck home for me was the bolded section.  OCD does not define a person.  We all have unique personalities and what our mind is doing to us, does not reflect who we actually are.

97 Pulls 102 Breaks

...yikes.  I thought I had plateaued when I hit 70 pulls, thinking that number was astronomical, but yesterday, well it was a REALLY bad day.

May 22nd Pulls

It may have been the extra hour or so of being 'ready', or it could have been because I told myself it was going to be a bad day, but I did not expect THAT much hair.

By noon, I had a fair amount collected in my ziploc & I felt pretty down about the whole situation.  By the time I saw Barb the therapist later in the afternoon, I was full-on having a really bad day.  I think for the first time I was actually playing with my hair while I was in her office.

I had told Barb I knew today was going to be really bad, and how I sorta felt like I threw all progress out the window after my weekend mishap.  She assured me i'd be able to get back on the wagon & today I am feeling much better.  One idea we threw around was tracking my pulls as I go.  I determined I won't be able to count them in my mind, since sometimes the whole ritual of pulling is very thoughtless, so I know I would lose track.  Instead we came up with the idea of writing them down so I am going to tape a piece of paper to my ziploc and mark the number everytime I put a pull or break into the bag. This tactic will hopefully be a better trigger in my mind for where my actual pulls and breaks stand versus seeing them accumulate in the bag and it will save me the 15-20 minutes it has been taking me to count the stupid hairs.

Lets hope I have better results to report tomorrow morning.  I feel the tracking while pulling/breaking could be a great discouraging tool, but I thought that about the bag too, so here's hoping!

PVR Anxiety

I revealed on Sunday that I have some severe anxiety surrounding our PVR.  For those of you who may not have this beautiful invention, it is a digital recorder for all your TV shows.

Our PVR!

I love watching TV - It is a relaxing time that I truly enjoy.  I would rather watch TV and catch up on shows, then go out on a Friday night.  Consider me a loser if you will, but I like to do what makes me happy, and a good episode of House (it ended last night! Seriously upset btw) or Ellen Degeneres usually does the trick.  Leading the busy life that hubby and I lead, we would never get to watch any of our favourite shows if it wasn't for our trusty PVR.

There are times when I will be so busy I will not get to watch TV for a week.  So when the time comes to finally relax and watch some TV, hubby and I take our respective couches, he turns on the TV, and once he goes to our recordings, my eyes instantly shoot to the % full line.

If it is above 85%, my heart starts racing & as he scrolls through, I try to convince him to delete any of the shows that don't need to be there.  Unlucky for me, he has zero care in the world about the level of fullness.  He has the last 3 seasons of Family Guy taking up valuable space, half the episodes he never watches, but can we delete them...of course not.  Unless it is at like 98% or above, there is zero urgency for deleting any recordings.

I don't know what the fear is, I guess that a show I actually care about will not tape, which frankly is not the end of the world, but it doesn't make the anxiety any less.

If I know that the % full is over 85%, I can't focus on anything else.  All I can think about is getting a hold of the remote and getting that number to below 70%.  The entire time we are watching a recording, all I want is to take 3 minutes to go through the list and purge. 70% my safe haven number since I know the likelihood of it reaching 100% before I get to purge again is unlikely, so I feel comfortable at 70%.

Sometimes I get to catch up on a lot of shows, or just come to terms with not having time to catch up on a series, and I delete a whole bunch of shows, and get the % into the 50's and it seriously feels like I won the lottery.  I have to rejoice to hubby "Woot!  Got the PVR to 58%!". 

It's amazing that the tittle things make me so happy, and the littler things give me anxiety.

PS.  Is littler a word?

Problem Zones

So I was bad again.  I didn't keep my ziploc baggy of hairs yesterday and I have no idea what my pull/break numbers were.  I already have my ziploc bag going for today, so I should be on track to monitor my pulls for tomorrow.

I did good for the start of the day and I would say my pulls were under 10 until about 2pm when I sat down on the couch, then the pulls starting coming at a higher rate.

I have touched on this in the past, but I will expand a little.  I have two places that are very bad pull spots for me and I would say 98% of pulls happen in these 2 spots.  First, being my car & second being my couch/being on the computer (they usually happen at the same time).

When I started my current full-time job, my pulling in the car was not an issue, it was actually a spot I never pulled in.  I had been working a desk job, and the pulling was gradually becoming a problem, so when I transitioned jobs, I was excited that I would be in the car since this wasn't a problem zone.  Well that quickly changed.  I would say on a daily basis, 75% of all hairs are pulled or broken in my car.  If I was a 10-2 driving, with both hands on the wheel, this obviously could not be an issue, but like most people, I drive with one hand, which leaves my second hand with nothing to do.  I have tried occupying it by playing with things, but no matter what, as soon as I am thinking about something other than my pulling, I am back pulling.  I have spots in my car where I used to drop the hairs after pulling, that I would have to collect the hairs from everyday and throw them out the window, since the accumulation would be so high.

My second problem spot is when I am on my couch on the computer.  When I am typing a blog post for example, I have no urge to pull as I am using both hands, but the second I stop typing, I am pulling.  I have pulled 2 hairs since I started this post, both when I was done a paragraph and having a thought process on the next paragraph. (I just re-read that paragraph and broke 2 hairs)  Generally I try and always wear a hood when I am on the computer, because I recognize the problem, and in the privacy of my own home, have the ability to wear a hood, but this morning I had an appointment early and I am back home already dressed and ready for the day, so I can't wear a hood since it would mess up my hair.

Hairs on my laptop

I am working on getting better in both of these spots, and the ziploc bag has significantly helped with the car pulling, not as much with the computer pulling, since I think I am in a different state of thinking when on the computer.

I have already pulled more hairs then I normally would pull before 11 a.m. so I am going to try and rope in my pulls for the rest of the day and try and stay present.  If I keep up this pace, I may be in trouble with my pull and break count tomorrow

Hair Pull Fail

Well that went horribly wrong.  Friday around 5pm I went to place a pulled hair into my trusty ziploc bag & it has dissappeared.  Duing my shopping & moving things around to head away for the weekend, my ziploc bag dissappeared.  Somewhere lying on the ground is a ziploc bag full of my little hairs.

Already on my way away for the weekend, and for some reason not packing any additional ziploc bags, I was bagless for the weekend. 

Friday was an average pulling day, and based on my guesses i'd say I pulled about 50 hairs, breaks are unknown since they register less in my mind.

Saturday was slower.  I spent most of the day doing renovations at a student rental property we own so using my hands, equals less pulling.  I'd say my pulls were under 40.

Then in comes Sunday...Oh mylanta.   I spent over 2 and a half hours in the car, then 3 hours sitting around socializing with my family then another 2 hours sitting around a table chatting with my hubby's family.

I had a really bad day.  I don't know if my mind was being defiant because it knew I had no bag to track, but I would say I pulled WAY more than the 70 hairs I tracked the other day.  I was totally out of a control.  I hope that will be my last BAD day.

I now have a game plan to always have additional ziplocs because I believe it reduces the number drastically and makes me more accountable for my actions.

In Canada, today is Victoria Day so we do not work so the plan is some gardening outside which will occupy my hands, so hopefully I can have a low pull day to start my week on the right foot.

Weekend Reveal: Full PVR

I can honestly say, my favourite thing in our entire house, is our PVR.  But it is also the source of this weekends reveal. 

Over 85% ....cue anxiety levels rising.

Come back later this week for more on my PVR anxiety!


PS.  Bering Sea Gold = AMAZING show.  Find it.  Watch it.

41 Pulls 62 Breaks

Well that experiment went well!  Yesterday I drastically reduced my number of pulls to 41 and my breaks to 62 & I got the number of 'pull breaks' to 1.  I wish I could have reported zero but my urges got the best of me, and I broke one pull.

May 17th Pulls

This morning as I was tediously emptying my ziploc bag (the little breaks static to the bag!), I knew immediately my numbers were going to be much lower as the pile looked so different than the last two days.  A rush of excitement came over as I counted yesterdays pulls, anticipating what that final number was going to be.   For the first time in the last 3 years, I felt change coming.  I really can't believe I was able to reduce those numbers so drastically in one day.

I worry about today, as I know I am going to be spending a lot of time in my car, which is my number one pull spot, but I am now totally determined to continue to reduce that number.

Yesterday I started my day a tad later than normal, so that helped with less car time, then when I was in the car, I was really trying to fight the urge.  It really is so incredible that even when I am working so hard to fight something, the second my mind drifts off and thinks of something other than not pulling, I am back pulling.  In the evening, I spent from 5pm-midnight with a girlfriend & out at my hubby's baseball so I was really conscious of not playing with my hair.  On the 45 minute car ride home, I wore my hoodie which also played a part in the reduced number, because normally a 45 minute car ride spells trouble. 

So even though I am celebrating yesterdays low numbers, I cautiously move forward, knowing today could be just as bad as Wednesday.

The weekend is usually low pull season for this girl, so I have high hopes when I recap my  pulls on Monday morning, I will be able to report some low numbers but regardless, yesterday was a step in the right direction, and I'm pretty pumped about the progress.

Enjoy your weekend xo

Pull vs. Break

I go through phases with my trich.  Sometimes my fad of the month is pulling, other times it is breaking.

For the last little while, it has been breaking, and eff, is my hair taking a toll.  Around ear level of my head, you can see a distinct line of broken hairs & the top of my head has an insane amount of what most people would consider to be 'fly aways', but are actually breaks.

Let me give you a little background on how the habit works:  when my hands are left with nothing to do, they immediately revert to my head.  It always innocently begins with running my fingers through my hair, then I proceed to find a single stand of hair, and run it through my thumb nail & the edge of my index finger (see below for the lovely callus' I have developed from doing this so much).  A distinct sound runs through my head of my nail running along the strand of hair, then it always end with the sound of a break, or the sound of a pull.  Yes...they have their own sounds too.

Callus on my index finger

For me, my goal is always a break versus a pull. My thought is even if I break the hair,at least the root is still in my head and I won't be bald.  It is a difficult process to explain to people who don't have trich, but basically when I run my fingers along a strand, the end result is either a break or a pull. 

Below gives you an idea of what a 'break' looks like.  It is a very small piece of hair, usually less than an inch, that comes off the end of a piece of hair, that thankfully has remained in my head.   Succcess!  (Except when I do 95 a day! sh*t!)

Hair "Breaks"

Below is more what a "pull" looks like. It is generally a longer strand of hair, unless I have yanked a fresh growth piece from the top, and I feel some serious 'remorse' after every pull.  Yesterday, I felt this feeling 70 times. 

Hair "Pull"

When I talk about the other kind of breaking - a "pull break" -  I am referring to my habit of taking a 'pull' and in a systematic way, stringing it through 2 of my fingers and breaking it into a smaller piece, then doing this for as long as possible until I feel it is broken to its full potential. 

This entire process - from the initial touch to the final break - is quite thoughtless, and is done in an almost robotic way.  This is why yesterday's achievement of only 3 breaks is off the charts.  On Monday, I would have broken those 70 hairs further to make anywhere from 140-200 pieces of smaller hairs.  Yesterday, to only have done it 3 times, is such a step for me.  I am beginning to bring awareness to myself, fight my urges & break the habit.

This should hopefully help you understand the difference between a break and a pull, then the "pull break".  A wee bit confusing, but in my mind, I have no other way of calling them or explaining them.  I am hoping the "pull break" is quickly going to become a thing of the past, with the other 2 to follow!

70 Pulls 95 Breaks

Yesterday I pulled out 70 hairs & broke 95 pieces of hair.  I am completely shocked at this number.  I would have said my pulls would have been under 50, and I really did not think I break off close to 100 pieces of hair in one day.

Yesterday's Pulls & Breaks

If I keep on this pace, I will pull out 980 hairs & break 1130 pieces before the end of May.

The one good thing that came out of yesterday is I did not consciously break a single fully pulled hair.  My total for the day was 3 - that is full hairs broken smaller than when pulled, and those were strictly out of habit & I was peeved as soon as I broke them and realized.  That is pretty outstanding for me.  Not a single hair on my post yesterday had not been broken to what I felt was its full breaking potential.

All this pulling & breaking talk is even confusing myself so I think it's time for a more detailed breakdown on my trich habit which i'll touch on in my next post.

So depsite the surprisingly high numbers of yesterday, everyday my goal is going to be to decrease that number in my subject line & end goal, for both to be zero.

I think I have a long way to go, but I needed a starting point and here it is:

70 Pulls 95 Breaks

Daily Recap of May 15 2012

Today I am going to begin what is a time consuming but I think beneficial activity - daily recaps.

I had an a-ha moment yesterday where I realized I needed some accountability and something tangible to compare & work towards.

Below are yesterdays pulls.  I took the time to collect every hair I pulled into a ziploc bag.  I would say this is about 95% of the hairs I pulled yesterday.   There was some obvious throw aways that slipped my mind as I still try and get into this new habit, and a few pulls from the morning before I decided to start collecting them.

Part of my habit is breaking each piece of hair, as many times as possible, so I couldn't get an accurate count on the total number of pulls versus breaks which I am going to do today.  I am going to try and not break any pieces of hair.  Not saying I won't break any pieces off my head, but if I pull a full hair, I will not break it into smaller hairs.  I know this is going to spike my anxiety levels but in order to be able to track my pulls, I can't break the hairs.

The picture is slightly disturbing, which I guess is the point of this exercise, to be able to get a realistic grasp of what I am pulling.  When I toss them away, and don't see a day's worth of pulls in one daunting image, it seems less like a problem.  Hopefully this new activity will be the accountability I needed to shock myself into having a lot more self control.

Not breaking my hair after a pull will be a feat in itself and a baby step towards kicking the habit, as I have determined the break is just as addictive as the pull.

Hopefully I can stick to my guns and have a break-free Wednesday.

Enjoy your day xo

Inspired

After writing this mornings post & feeling quite low, I proceeded to create an alias facebook account & join several Trich facebook sites, as well as some OCD sites.  I am trying any means possible to get some inspiration, feel less alone & muster up some hope.

The facebook group simply titled "Trichotillomania" is inspiring & if you suffer from trich and are reading this and are not apart of that group, I suggest finding it.  I have never really looked at any of these group pages, since I don't want them to be linked to my real profile (as per being ashamed of my trich) 

I spent the last half hour looking through posted pictures to the group, seeing some people's success stories & reading other members struggles.  So many of these people are woman my age, who seem totally normal and you would never suspect is battling trich.

Today almost feels like the beginning of something big.  Not going to lie, after writing this mornings post, I looked back and it felt depressing & I was in a bit of a slump for the rest of the day.  I am going to begin a daily recap column tomorrow, which I will obviously go into more detail with tomorrow & try and implement the vision and plans I have been toying with for this blog.

See you all in the morning

xo

My biggest fear

I have subconsciously been avoiding talking about my trich, despite the fact that is really the point of this blog. 

There are so many things to touch on.  There is my history with my hair, there is my current habits & rituals, there is how I have tried to conquer it, my fears, all my thoughts.  I have so many things that revolve around this disease that I am seriously at a loss.  I guess for the time being I am going to try and write 2-3 posts per week on something to do with my trich.  I have a feeling it is going to all feel very disjointed but being such a complex disease, I guess it is only fitting.

Today we will discuss my biggest fear...being bald.  I could cry thinking about this, as I know if I continue on the path I am currently on, it is the only inevitable result.  When I see woman who are going bald, I get instantly nauseous.  I cannot stop staring, and it makes me sick to my stomache. The blood feels like it has drained from my whole body & whatever is in my stomache is about to make an apperance to the outside world.  I am not judging any of these woman, that is not the point as I know there are many reasons why woman go bald, but for me, the only reason is trich.  In my mind, it doesn't matter how the woman I am looking at got to be that way, all that I can imagine is that being me.  I feel so sad and helpless, like I'm never going to be okay, and nothing I do is ever going to work.

My first time visiting a psychiatrist was propelled by the fear that I would be a bald bride.  I wasn't engaged, but knowing it was likely in the coming years, I would have recurring dreams of me having large bald spots on my head on my wedding day.  My wedding has since come & gone, and with the help of some hair extensions for my voluminous bun, no one would ever know my daily struggle.

Every year I think "If I continue on this path, this time next year, I will be bald".  Somehow highly visible baldness has yet to creep up on me, but with my trich on a downward spiral & an increase in my number of pulls per day, I know I cannot avoid the feared outcome forever.

I know the below image is how mine is going to gradually start.  I already am seeing the onsets of this.  If others can really notice the thinning/baldness is unknown to me but because of my obsession, I can feel/see specific problem areas.  My main pulling is from the top of my head, so as it continues, I know I am going to begin thinning through there first.

I can't help but be both fixated and disgusted by the image above.  My heart races, my palms get sweaty, my eyes feel tears welling up.  This is my reality if I do not beat this battle.

That is the sickest part of this disease.  As awful as this image makes me feel, and even knowing this is what will happen if I pull anymore hairs, I continue to do it.  I cannot stop. 

The Even Spread

In an earlier post, I touched on how people with OCD often recognize that their thoughts or actions are irrational but they can't change them none the less...

Well my peanut butter spreading obsession is definitely near the top on my irrational obsessions.  When spreading peanut butter, it must be evenly spread, to all the edges, with no distinct grooves.

My husband loves a good PB&J sandwich, so when I make his lunch and there's no leftovers, I resort to a PB&J sandwich since I always have the ingredients.  Having made 100's of PB&J sandwiches over the last 4 years of co-habitation, I have tried to overcome it, to just not go right to the edge, or to add a little bit more and not completely smooth it over with the knife, leaving large grooves, but despite recognizing that it is ridiculous, I physically cannot leave a piece of bread without evenly spread PB.  My anxiety level completely rises and I know it would consume my mind if I were to take that Jam piece of bread and lay it on my PB slice.  Hubby would never notice if that PB wasn't spread right to the edge, since I somehow am married to someone with virtually no obsessions, especially when it comes to food, but regardless of that, I still can't bring myself to give him an unevenly spread piece of PB bread. 

One of the reasons I started with PB as my first reveal was to really be able to touch on the fact that I recognize and realize it is totally ridiculous.  In reality, it really does not matter if there is peanut butter to the edge of the bread, or if the middle has a significantly higher ratio of peanut butter then the next bite will have, but the mind has other thoughts and plans. 

My heart rate rises, and the mind races with ways to 'fix it'.  It will not shut off, or stop thinking about that uneven PB until I have fixed it.  I can tell myself to move on, think of something else, but it's a fascinating thing that no matter what, my mind will only think about that piece of bread.  That is one of the parts of mental illness that people usually cannot grasp.  They think 'just let it go', but the mind is not wired to do that on some people.  It really is a 'mental illness'.

While working one of my previous jobs, I used to go for breakfast with the girls in my department every morning.  There was a woman I worked with who would eat 1 slice of toast every morning and her topping of choice was PB.  To my luck, she was the most uneven PB spreader that ever lived.  ever.   She would take her tiny packet of PB and a small white plastic knife and proceed to cause me daily anxiety attacks with her giant ridges, but worst of all, the stupid amount of areas left without any bit of PB.  As irrational as I know it is, I still cannot comprehend how people can eat a bite of their "peanut butter toast" without getting any peanut butter because they were too lazy to spread the peanut butter over the entire piece.  I hate to admit it but after a few months of falling into this morning routine, trying to overcome watching her do the same half ass spreading job without saying anything, I had to stop going to breakfast.  I could not handle it any longer & was on the verge of showing my crazy by saying something about her spreading...or lack of. 

The worst part of this behaviour is that it is not even my worst one, but re-reading this post, I felt totally crazy..and secretly anxious having to picture uneven PB on bread multiple times. 

Weekend Reveal : Peanut Butter

I have been trying to decide how to go about discussing all of my obsessions & have decided that until they all get revealed, I will begin a regularly scheduled blog for Sunday mornings called "weekend reveal" where I will lay out one of my anxities, fears, obsessions, or wierd quirks.   There is a sadly long list at the moment, so should keep me going for a while.

I will briefly discuss each on the day of the reveal but will go into a more detailed blog post later on each week.

The first reveal is going to be PEANUT BUTTER.  What about peanut butter?  No it;s not the taste, or that I have some weird fetish with it, it is as simple as I need it to be evenly spread on bread.

The picture below straight up raises my anxiety level.  I really hope this was a half-way through application picture!

holy uneven!!

I couldn't even find a satisfactory picture online of an evenly spread piece, so I had to go do my own!

ahhhh! yes!

Right to the edge, no big grooves...life is good.

When the wind blows....

I have been hair obsessed for as long as I can remember.   After really diving into my past, there are a few key contributors I believe to have caused me to resort to hair pulling.  I am not trying to shift blame, but more or less discussing things in my life I think have played in a role in my hair obsession & to give insight on my life.

For this post, I can thank my fabulous brothers.  I have two brothers.  My oldest brother is 9 years older than me, and my second brother is 5 years older.  Growing up, I was always very close with my oldest brother and had a more love/hate relationship with the middle one as we were closer in age & I probably annoyed the shit out of him.

My brothers & I - Late 1986

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a household where there was no shortage of humour.  The majority of our humour stems from my mom, and has trickled down onto her children.  My brothers are seriously two of the funniest people I know, and despite the permanent damage they have caused their little sister, I can't imagine having grown up in a house without the amount of laughter we had. 

As the youngest child & the only girl, I got the brunt of most of the ongoing, cruel jokes in our household.  Some have stuck with me, others I find equally hilarious to look back on, and kind of wish there was someone younger than me so I could have equally punished them. 

I once had a book with two characters named "Sarah & Thomas", and in one of them, they 'discover' each others bodies.  Frankly, it was completely inappropriate.  In it they referred to Thomas as having a penis and Sarah as having a slit.  When does SLIT become the appropriate term for vagina? Anyways, my brothers used to play this horrible joke on 5 year old me, where they said they would call the slit doctor & have him come sew up my slit.  My oldest brother would pick up the phone and dial 555-SLIT.  He would say it & dial it very slowly ..  5   5   5   S   L    I    T.  I would scream & throw a tantrum and my brothers would be dying laughing.  I can almost guarantee knowing my mom now, she was dying laughing too but through her laughter trying to make them stop  Thankfully this cruel joke didn't cause me to have any form of slit fears, but just wanted to paint a picture of the kind of hilarious, yet mean, environment my brothers raised me in.

5   5   5   S   L   I   T

The one relating to my trich, although at the time would have seemed quite harmless, I believe this was a catalyst for my self-conscious/obsessive behaviour relating to my hair.  I am going to thank my oldest brother for this one, as I can only imagine him being the one to have created this lovely song, that throughout my child was sung to me over and over, and to this day, still gets sung to me, oddly enough usually when I bring up my trich.

So here they are...the 3 worst lines in the world, sung to a lovely, catchy melody, that rings through everyone in my families head when we think about my hair.

*When the wind blows, when the wind blows, sara's hair doesn't move at all*

Meeting Barb

My Trich got really bad in March.  I was at a desperate point of needing to seek professional help again.  I had given the psychiatrist route a go once before, but at the steep price, and lack of results, I abandoned ship.  I googled some potential options close to my house, and came across one facility that was of interest.  When I phoned the number, a lovely receptionist who I could tell was around my age answered the phone.  I assume these people hear some crazy stuff, considering where they work, but when you have to tell someone around your age that you pull out your own hair, you feel much crazier & self conscious.  I hesitatingly explained that I have trich and immediately she replied "I will put you in to see Barb!'.

Nothing makes you feel more crazy then needing to see a Psychiatrist or Therapist.  There is such a stigma attached to it, you never say to someone "I have an appointment with my therapist". I say it to my husband, my parents, my brothers, but they know my struggle and see it as a positive, not a negative. For most, it sounds out of a movie and like real people don't do it, so saying it out loud is not an option.

The first time I met Barb was a warm afternoon in early April.  In order to get to know me, she goes through a lengthy questionnaire about my life, my family, my job, hobbies, etc.  Immediately I liked her nature, you could tell she was caring, and warm.  Half way through our meeting, when discussing some of my anxieties, she opened up to me about suffering from panic disorder, and that was sort of a game changer for me.

I don't think people who don't suffer from any mental illness can really understand what it is like.  It is irrational & overwhelming at most points, but having someone who has suffered them self, feels less like they are judging you, and more like they are really trying to help and like they want you to get past it as much as you do.

On our second and third visits, we really laid out every OCD and anxiety I battle, in hopes of relating them back to my trich.  We have been doing some trial and error on some behavioural changes for my trich, which I will touch on in a later post, as well as digging into other obsessions and anxieties.

This past session, #4, could be the most effective to date when we dove into my struggles of over eating. The short of it is, I cannot resist that urge to continue eating.  After diving into how I had success shedding 40lbs & resisting those urges to overeat during that time, and explaining that blogging my daily achievements and findings was a major part of it, a light bulb clicked.  What if I did a blog, talking about trich, my hair pulling, my daily successes or failures?  Maybe this could be the turning point in my recovery, where I begin to see patterns and can crack down on the root of my trich.

So here we are.  That is how this blog idea came to life, in a little office in Burlington, Ontario.  I wanted to introduce Barb for a couple reason.  Mostly to give credit for kickstarting my blogging attempt & so when I say 'barb' in a post you will know who she is but most importantly, so everyone knows

I see a therpist (...That's sort of out loud right?)

Welcome to the The Hair Pull

Hello World,

I suffer from trichotillomania - for the sake of the blog & my inability to remember how to spell it, we are going to call it trich

For those of you who don't know what trich is, it is defined as hair loss from repeated urges to pull or twist the hair until it breaks off.  As 'crazy' as this sounds, it is a real thing & I have suffered from it off and on since I was 7 years old.

Trich is closely associated with OCD & anxiety, which I suffer from also.  The main purpose of starting this blog is to discuss my journey with trich & the attempt to kick the urges & win my battle once & for all.  Along that journey, I will open up about my struggles with OCD, anxiety, the history of my life & anything in between.

I like to think I am a seemingly 'normal' mid-20's female, with a good career, a cute little home near Toronto & an amazingly supportive husband, all of these things were attained while dealing with my 'crazies'. 

The thing about most people who struggle with OCD, anxiety & for me, trich, we know how ridiculous our thoughts & actions are and that it is 'crazy', but it does not make it any easier to tame the beast.  I want to keep this blog light & not overly serious, despite the fact I am dealing with a pretty serious condition.

I hope you will join me in my journey of to kick trich & tame my crazies.