My biggest fear

I have subconsciously been avoiding talking about my trich, despite the fact that is really the point of this blog. 

There are so many things to touch on.  There is my history with my hair, there is my current habits & rituals, there is how I have tried to conquer it, my fears, all my thoughts.  I have so many things that revolve around this disease that I am seriously at a loss.  I guess for the time being I am going to try and write 2-3 posts per week on something to do with my trich.  I have a feeling it is going to all feel very disjointed but being such a complex disease, I guess it is only fitting.

Today we will discuss my biggest fear...being bald.  I could cry thinking about this, as I know if I continue on the path I am currently on, it is the only inevitable result.  When I see woman who are going bald, I get instantly nauseous.  I cannot stop staring, and it makes me sick to my stomache. The blood feels like it has drained from my whole body & whatever is in my stomache is about to make an apperance to the outside world.  I am not judging any of these woman, that is not the point as I know there are many reasons why woman go bald, but for me, the only reason is trich.  In my mind, it doesn't matter how the woman I am looking at got to be that way, all that I can imagine is that being me.  I feel so sad and helpless, like I'm never going to be okay, and nothing I do is ever going to work.

My first time visiting a psychiatrist was propelled by the fear that I would be a bald bride.  I wasn't engaged, but knowing it was likely in the coming years, I would have recurring dreams of me having large bald spots on my head on my wedding day.  My wedding has since come & gone, and with the help of some hair extensions for my voluminous bun, no one would ever know my daily struggle.

Every year I think "If I continue on this path, this time next year, I will be bald".  Somehow highly visible baldness has yet to creep up on me, but with my trich on a downward spiral & an increase in my number of pulls per day, I know I cannot avoid the feared outcome forever.

I know the below image is how mine is going to gradually start.  I already am seeing the onsets of this.  If others can really notice the thinning/baldness is unknown to me but because of my obsession, I can feel/see specific problem areas.  My main pulling is from the top of my head, so as it continues, I know I am going to begin thinning through there first.

I can't help but be both fixated and disgusted by the image above.  My heart races, my palms get sweaty, my eyes feel tears welling up.  This is my reality if I do not beat this battle.

That is the sickest part of this disease.  As awful as this image makes me feel, and even knowing this is what will happen if I pull anymore hairs, I continue to do it.  I cannot stop.